Love Statistic
by SisiDraig
Summary: Vince joins a new game in the clubs; what will happen when it all gets a bit too close to home? Some swearing! Howince! Rated for Concept; no graphic detail - no detail at all D But it was suggested i put the rating up.


**If lust and longing  
****Were all we knew  
****And love was kissing  
****On the roof in view**

**Razorlight - Monster Boots**

* * *

It had all seemed so innocent when Leroy had told him about the new 'game' being played around the clubs.

__

"You basically pick a name from a hat and then you fuck 'em. Simple as that."  
"How is that a game?"  
"You score points. So, the uglier or more difficult to bed, the more points. They've got easy one's like hookers, sluts, man whores and then they've got the uptight virgins and there's even a priest and a nun in there."  
"No way! A nun? How the hell do you…?"  
"I did."  
"I don't believe ya."

At first, Vince had been reluctant to join something as sleazy as the 'shag-a-thon' but after a while his ego took over. After watching one of the girls fail miserably at chatting up the barman he walked over winked at her and said to Leroy,

"Extra points if it's in public?"

"If you want." Leroy agreed.

"In that case everyone, watch and learn." And minutes later he and the barman were disappearing into the darkest corner of the club.

When he returned, his name was at the top of the leader board and he was a fully fledged member of the Fuck Club.

Vince had gotten lucky (in more ways than one) for the first few rounds and had only pulled what were considered easy lays out of the hat.

_'Hooker in alley way' -_ check  
_'Lola (local slag) in club toilets' -_ check  
_'Rugged Dave' -_ check  
_'electro boy/girl' -_ check  
_'Hannah Baltmore' - _Check  
_'bouncer' - _check

So, when his turn came to pick a name out of the hat this Thursday, he was feeling overtly confident. He strode almost arrogantly up to the good-looking man holding the hat, dipped his hand in and fished around for a piece of paper. After a couple of seconds, his fingers brushed against all the scraps of papers until he found one that he got a good vibe from. He pulled it out, revelling in the attention as everyone's breath catching in their throats as they waited to see the name of their idol's next victim. Vince unfolded the piece of paper slowly and glanced at the name. The world seemed to stop. His stomach dropped. He felt sick. His face drained of all colour and suddenly the repercussions of this game hit him like a ton of bricks. He fell silent, staring in horror at the two words in front of him:

'Howard Moon'

"What's wrong Vince?" asked a girl with red hair. "You got a priest?"

"No," the stunned man whispered, "It's much, much worse."

"Vince, who the hell is it?" Leroy asked peering over his shoulder. "Oh."

"What?" asked a curious man.

"Howard Moon." read Leroy.

"That's a good one. It's so easy, he falls for anyone who looks at him."

"Ahh, I see the problem." laughed the red-head. "Low points, right Vince?"

The electro poof shook his head completely dumbstruck. "I don't think I can do it." he squeaked.

"What!?!" exclaimed the good looking man. "You're backing out?!"

Vince nodded mutedly.

"Well," sighed Leroy, "you know the rules, if you can't do it. You have to pass it to someone else."

"What?" Vince asked horrified.

"Either you do it or one of us has to."

Vince looked around at the eager faces, all desperate for an easy 'round'. He couldn't do that to his friend. Howard would be broken and that red-head was right, he would fall for anyone - it would be all too easy for one of these experienced jerks to get him into bed.

"No." said Vince finally. "I'll do it."

"Sure?" Leroy asked, looking a little disappointed.

Vince nodded. "How long have I got?" he asked the man holding the hat.

"24 hours. By this time tomorrow evening the deed must be done or I hand it over to Nicky." he said, indicating the red-head.

Vince nodded. "Okay, no problem." For a long time he just stared at a spot in the distance, everything whirling round and round in his head. He couldn't shag Howard. He was his friend, it would be too… weird, but at the same time, he wasn't letting Nicky get her grubby, vicious little claws on him. What was he going to do?

--

"What the hell are you doing back?" Howard asked as Vince sauntered into the shop, looking thoroughly dejected.

"Had a rough night." he answered simply.

"A rough night? What's happened? Have you been hurt?"

"No." sighed Vince, slumping down into the chair by the window. "It was just really boring. Just… rubbish."

Howard looked up and raised an eyebrow disbelievingly.

"Don't look at me like that! I can have a rubbish night out too, you know." Then, Vince realised Howard wasn't looking at him but was actually he was looking straight past him. "What are you doing?!" the younger man asked irritably, feeling irrationally angered by this.

"Where are they?"

"Who?"

"I don't know. Someone. It's Thursday. You always bring someone home on a Thursday."

Oh. "Erm, there's no one. Like I said… it was boring." Vince shuffled uncomfortably in the doorway. Of course Howard would notice that, he notices everything.

"Hmm." frowned Howard, returning to his paperwork.

Suddenly, Vince was sat on the chair next to him. So close that their thighs were rubbing together.

"Why are you still working anyway?" he asked, peering over the man's shoulder, pressing his entire body against Howard's, who jumped violently and blushed.

"Just…ahem… erm" Howard fidgeted, he found Vince's ridiculous proximity a little uncomfortable. "I'm stock checking." he eventually blurted out, when Vince's skinny little hand gently squeezed his knee.

"Boring then. Let's go upstairs and watch a film."

To Howard, the entire film watching experience was far too 'touchy feely'. Vince had insisted on sitting so close he was virtually on Howard's lap and every now and again he'd try and snuggle annoyingly into the older man's side. Howard had resisted the first few attempts but Vince was a persistent little bugger and eventually he gave up the fight. Anyway, it wasn't an entirely horrible feeling having Vince curled up next to him. It was a nice feeling even. Natural. Comfortable.

Vince was hardly watching the film. His mind was racing and his poor little brain cell was struggling to keep up. Howard wasn't bad looking he supposed but like his brain cell had said "I'm not really feeling it with you." Then again, who did he feel it with? And what was 'it' anyway?

Howard glanced down at him and Vince blushed furiously. Bollocks. He'd been caught staring.

"You okay little man?" Howard asked softly.

"Mm-hmm." he mumbled, snuggling further into Howard's side and finally turning his attention to the film.

--

He'd fallen asleep. He must have, because the next thing he knew, he was being blinded by the sunlight streaming through the window. He stirred gently and felt warm under a blanket which had been laid gently over his shoulders. To his surprise Howard was still there too, sat up, his head lolling forwards. He'd obviously opted to spend a rather uncomfortable night on the sofa rather than disturb his younger friend.

Slowly, he got up and kissed Howard's cheek, maybe if he took him by surprise it would all be over quickly and then they could forget it ever happened. Hey, it might work. He reached up and kissed Howard again, just at the corner of his mouth. Howard's eyes snapped open. Vince's instinctive reaction was to leap away but he overrode it and stayed put, his face just millimetres from Howard's cheek; lips ghosting over the stubble.

Howard blinked helplessly, like he couldn't believe what was happening; and he couldn't.

"Vince?" he croaked, his throat had become very dry and he felt… nervous? "Er, what are you doing?"

"Waking you up." Vince answered so matter-of-factly that Howard began to question whether Vince had lost his mind.

"Waking me up?"

"Yep." By now, Vince had wangled his way onto Howard's lap and the older man was completely confused by his friend's behaviour.

"Erm, couldn't you have used an alarm clock?"

"Yeah, but that's so… conventional. Thought this would be nicer than that horrible squawking alarm clock."

"It only squawks because you insisted we get the one that made 'realistic animal noises'."

"Oh, shhh." Vince said, pressing a finger to Howard's mouth. They stared at each other for a moment in blissful quiet and then Vince swapped his finger for his lips.

Howard was so taken aback he didn't have chance to react before Vince had pulled away and buried his head in the crook of Howard's neck.

"Umm, yes… well. What was that?" Howard asked, shaking nervously.

"I told you." Vince smiled, littering little kisses along his jaw line. "I'm waking you up."

"Okay, but… well, I am actually awake now Vince. So, er, maybe you could remove yourself from my lap and leave me to get on with my own business."

"Don't you… fancy me Howard?" Vince asked. It seemed sort of innocent, like something a fourteen year old with a crush would say, but Howard knew his friend was far from innocent and the vampire-like sucking on his neck seemed only to highlight this point.

"I don-… I mean, I'm not… we're not kids."

"Good, kids don't get to do anything fun." Vince grinned wickedly, angling so that he could straddle his friend.

"Look Vince, I don't know if this is very appropriate for friends."

"Come on Howard." Vince moaned, grabbing his friend's hands, which had, until now, been pinned to his side, and moved them to rest perfectly on his arse. "Get involved."

"Vince, I don't think…"

"Stop thinking. Just do." Vince urged, pressing another kiss onto Howard's lips. Tongue darting out, yearning for access. Eventually, Howard surrendered giving into the expertise of his friend.

Vince was surprised at how natural kissing Howard felt. I mean, he'd done it before but that was when he was on the brink of death and the main concern for his brain cell had been avoiding decapitation from an angry albino. That, and what a shame it was he'd had to give away that amazing feathery cape. Now, it was all about Howard; the small moans he was emitting and the noises of pleasure he was forcing Vince to make as he grew in confidence. Vince could feel the need in Howard's kiss and decided he was ready to make his next move.

Slowly, almost unnoticeably, he walked his clever fingers down Howard's stomach towards his waistband. He'd already unbuttoned and unzipped, and was feeling weirdly proud at how easy all this was, when Howard stopped abruptly and pushed Vince away so hard that the younger man landed with a thud on the floor, confusion etched on his face.

"What are we doing?" Howard asked, quickly refastening his trousers.

"Jeez Howard. I know you're a virgin but even you can't be that naïve."

"No, I mean… why are we doing it?"

"Because we want to." Vince smiled, pulling himself onto the sofa next to Howard. "I know you're probably a bit nervous." he continued, taking the older man's hand and giving it a comforting squeeze. "But it's okay. I'm here… and I wont laugh. I promise."

"Why not? You usually do." Howard replied a little bitterly and Vince felt a sharp painful pull at his stomach.

"Sorry." he said, and accentuated the point by squeezing Howard's hand again. "I don't mean to be such a tit. It just happens sometimes but I do care about you. I'm crazy about you." Vince winced at his lie. He wasn't crazy about Howard, they were just friends. Best friends, yes, but he certainly wasn't crazy about him and kissing him only felt right because he was comfortable around Howard, he was, after all, the only person who'd ever seen the real Vince Noir. That was the reason. It was!

Howard looked at him, with such hope in his eyes, and said "Do you mean that?"

That tug on Vince's stomach came again, stronger and more painful than last time; like a vicious internal tug of war. Howard seemed so innocent, too innocent, and, in a way, he was. He was far too pure to even begin to guess that Vince would be caught up in such a sordid, underhand 'game', played only by the best looking of London clubbers with no morals. Howard was as far from knowing that, as Pluto is from the Sun. He was kind and good at heart and, Vince began to realise, very good-looking in certain lights.

All of a sudden, Vince was smashed in the chest with an incredible and terrifying revelation. This was 'it'. That thing he'd been searching for all of his life. The thing he'd always known and never realised became suddenly very obvious. This was why he'd been so desperate to save his friend from Monkey Hell. This was why he'd hated Old Gregg so much. This was why he'd gotten jealous when Howard had shunned him for that glittery American after the kiss on the roof. Vince took a deep breath and whispered;

"Of course I mean it. I love you." And he did.

Howard just sat quietly, studying his knees carefully. Vince's internal stomach tug of war and turned into a full scale gun battle churning up his insides and making him feel physically sick. He'd just laid his heart on the line and Howard wasn't saying anything, he was just picking thoughtfully at a piece of cotton on his corduroys.

"Howard?" Vince whispered after the silent waiting had become too much for him to bear. "Howard."

"…"

"Howard, say something."

"…"

"Don't ignore me."

"…"

"Howaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard?"

The older man looked up at his friend and smiled, then laughed, then almost cried. "I love you too." he choked. "Of course I do." Vince beamed back until Howard leant over and placed a loved filled-kiss on his lips.

Vince gasped slightly, as Howard's fingers began to wind through his hair. He was about to complain about possible knots, when the kiss deepened and, for the first time in his life, Vince's hair wasn't his priority. It took all of what was left Vince's clear thought to manage to find Howard's ear with his mouth and whisper breathlessly, "Bedroom?"

The older man nodded greedily and together they rose clumsily to their feet, both refusing to break the kiss, not even when they sent a lamp crashing to the ground, or when they bumped clumsily into wall causing a photo to fall to it's demise or when Vince cracked his shin on the coffee table.

"Ah, ow!" he yelled, grabbing his throbbing leg.

"You okay?"

"Mm-hmm, fine." He wasn't, but bruises could wait until morning, what mattered now was kissing, lots and lots of kissing, and shedding those pesky clothes, which, in Vince's case, proved a lot harder than first thought.

"Can't you wear normal trousers?" groaned Howard, as he tugged unsexily at the skin-tight jeans.

"Piss off!" scowled Vince, "Not even true love is a good enough reason to be unfashionable."

Howard stopped suddenly and looked at Vince seriously, "True love?"  
Vince blushed furiously and shrugged, but he didn't have long to feel embarrassed as Howard yanked the remainder of his jeans off with newfound strength and pinned the smaller man onto the bed and began to rain hot kisses all along his naked torso.

--

Vince was curled up fast asleep in Howard's arms as the older man combed his loves hair with his fingers gently, careful not to wake him. He felt so peaceful and so ecstatically happy and somehow complete, as though everything before had just been leading him to this moment. This one, perfect moment.

Just then, the irritating high pitched 'Cars' ringtone ripped through the silence and grated against Howard's eardrums. Amazingly, Vince didn't even stir, but Howard didn't want to chance leaving it ring, so he stretched out an arm to retrieve it from the bedside table, taking care not to disturb Vince.

"Hello."

"_Vincey_!" came Leroy's obnoxious voice, so annoying that Howard wondered whether the ringtone was really so bad, but before he had much time to think about anything much, the next sentence came like a gunshot through the heart. "How's operation fuck Howard going?"

What? Operation… Oh no. Oh god. Howard felt used and dirty. Disgusted. Surely, he'd jumped to the wrong conclusion. He needed to learn more so, to stop Leroy from discovering his real identity, he just made a weird grunting noise. "_Have you shagged him yet_?"

"Uh huh."

"_Nice one mate. Knew you wouldn't let us down. Hey guys. He did it_." Howard was sure he heard a faint cheer in the back ground. "_Anyway, that puts you securely back at the top of the shag-a-thon board. Seven down, nineteen to go_."

"Mmm." Howard managed to utter, though he just wanted to drop to the floor. He felt limp, weak and totally used, as though every part of him was dying.

"_Okay, see you Thursday for our next meeting, yeah_?"

"Mm."

"_Alright, see ya mate_." The dial tone hummed in his ear and he allowed the phone to drop from his fingers, it made a satisfactory cracking sound as it hit the ground sending screen and numbers in different directions across the floor.

He turned to look at Vince, he looked so peaceful, so precious, so pale. His dark hair forming a dark halo around his pretty features. He always looked so innocent, his abnormally large blue eyes giving him a deceptively good-natured, soft-hearted appearance. Oh, how wrong could you be? Howard had never hated him more. He retched a couple of times as his entire body seemed to try and implode into a black hole that was quickly whipping up in his stomach. This feeling made him want to curl into a ball and allow the black hole to suck him in, anything to get out of this situation.

How could Vince do that to him? He thought they were friends. Soul mates. But it had all been part of a sick, twisted game. To Howard last night had been about love; to Vince it had been about statistics.

Quickly, he packed up a small suitcase of things and left. He never came back; he never would.

* * *

**I genuinely don't know what happened! I was aiming for fluffy and cute and this is what my brain elves gave me. Oops. Oh well, what can I say?**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Sisi…xx**


End file.
